So Fresh off the Boat has aired for a few weeks and I’ve had a bit of a chance to reflect a bit more. And especially after reading experiences of other Asians on message boards, I feel privileged that my parents really aren’t all that FOBBY (and very different from the show (which is based on the memoirs of the REAL Eddie Huang) which takes place around the same time I was in high school). In fact, they’re very integrated into mainstream Anglo culture while at the same time, instilling Chinese culture in the home, despite living in Toronto, which has had a sizable Chinese community since the early 80s. In other words, there was no extreme and definitely no need for me to live dual lives/cultures. It was just a part of life.
On my first bike (I was a bit old for one at about 5) in the 80s
To be honest, it’s the way that it should be. Perhaps that’s why I’m still bothered by some of the comments people make about being completely ignorant of “mainstream” foods. I think it’s sad that some immigrant parents don’t bother to expose their children to both their own culture and the more mainstream culture around them, which leads to more discrimination and anger. I completely understand the need to keep tradition, but why risk your child, who probably already feels different based on appearance to even MORE? Why don’t immigrant parents bother to learn more about mainstream culture like mine did? Why instill the “good ______ kids don’t do such-and-such?” when your child isn’t REALLY a ______ kid from the old country but a kid of _______ descent living here? Not the same thing. Why can’t there be balance? And don’t parents think they’re doing some sort of disservice by only exposing them to the old culture? They’re not necessarily going to get everything about the new country at school.
Maybe I’m just an over-privileged brat (as someone on social media once so kindly called me) because my parents came fairly young, worked in white collar, office type jobs and “made it” before I was even born. I knew no “struggle” as people often discuss when it comes to immigrants and their kids. Safe neighbourhoods, good schools – public, Catholic and independent – as well as access to decent public libraries within short driving distance (including one HUGE flagship, North York Central), piano and tennis lesson, Brownies/Guides and arts (loved) and science (not so much, especially computer camp where I had to code) day camps each summer. In fact, most books, movies and TV shows about first generation individuals are only semi-relatable to me.
Grilled cheese: A North American comfort dish, but some immigrant kids aren’t exposed to it
Sure, there were times I thought my family was old culture and that it would have been nice to eat (beef) meatloaf rather than jing yuk beng (steamed pork patties) for dinner, at least I didn’t bring completely “foreign” looking food to school for lunch. It was either mainstream-ish (ham sandwiches) or maybe one made with leftover soya sauce roast chicken or char siu (barbecue pork). My mom introduced me to many North American favourites like grilled cheese (though hers was made in a toaster oven rather than stovetop – a bit less greasy!) and in addition to Chinese restaurants, we ate at kid favourites like McDonald’s, Pizza Hut and Swiss Chalet. I was also given proper, age-appropriate etiquette lessons as young as three as my parents took me to “real” restaurants (often hotel coffee shops) where I was instructed to be in my best behaviour and learned how to properly hold cutlery (grown-up sized!) as best I could. I was usually “dressed up” from what I recall. Yet, I hear about kids of immigrants who’ve never seen green salads, never been to a (western) restaurant and are therefore completely clueless about (western) table manners until they reach adulthood (okay, to be fair, there are plenty of multigenerational Canadians who can’t hold forks and knives properly too, but at least they’re less clueless and if they’re from a larger city, are more likely to know about foods from other cultures than some immigrants are of Anglo Canadians). In Canada or the United States. How can this happen? What’s wrong with parents?
There were times I wished my parents spoke English like me, but at least they understood mainstream Canadian culture and didn’t have a problem with my pop culture habits. My parents were and still are liberal, especially for Chinese (my mom gave bought me my first issue of Seventeen when I was in Grade 7). I also wished that my grandparents and I could better communicate. While I speak reasonable Cantonese, as I grew up, I found it more and more difficult to talk to them because some things just don’t translate. How am I supposed to talk about movies that I saw, school, university and such? Especially to a woman who told me to “stay away from boys.” I went to a few dances, but I don’t think my mom ever told my grandmother that I was out at one!
That said, there are still things that I can relate to. Like Eddie, I was a bit of an outcast in high school. For goodness sakes, I listened to COUNTRY MUSIC! What kind of Chinese Canadian private school girl in TORONTO listens to Shania Twain? Then, I went all “Lilith” and was obsessed with Sarah McLachlan and Jewel (much more “appropriate,” I guess), but was never into N’SYNC or BSB (why? I was already 17 when they were at their height of popularity. I was old enough to remember NKOTB). And like Eddie, it had nothing to do with family influence!
But back to the whole immigrant parent thing. I do wonder, sometimes, if immigrant parents sometimes just don’t take the time to learn about their kids and their experiences. Their kids try to understand them, after all. And why is there all that pushing of the old culture without trying to understand why that might not make sense in the new country? Balance, as I said earlier, is KEY to adjusting to a new culture. You can’t live in your own bubble. It’s as much of a job for YOU to learn about the new country as it it is about your neighbours to learn about your culture. Sadly, many immigrant parents don’t get this, which leads to issues. Glad it wasn’t much of a problem for me.
Grilled cheese image: julie deshaies
